holding on too tight

Category : God, taking action

 

Thanks to God, I’ve been doing some spring cleaning.   

Not just your typical cleaning.  This is a massive cleaning that involves moving significant amount of things out of closets.  Places where boxes have lived for 8 years now.  As with anything that sits in one spot too long stuff gets piled on top of it.  You throw something in the closet shelf and say, “oh I’ll get to that later.”

Yeah right.

But now is the time to get things done.  So I’ve been going through a lot of stuff I put into the closet right after I got out of graduate school.  Things I’ve completely forgotten about.  Dreams I forgot I had.  Memories I tried to forget, but couldn’t.  My goal in cleaning has been to simplify my life and get as much clutter out of it as possible.  I don’t want “things” to be in the way of my relationship with God.  And all too often I let stuff do that. 

But today I found it very hard to throw things away.  An old phone.  A pile of notes from Grad school.  Even a few old magazines. 

I couldn’t figure out why this bothered me so much at first.  But then I realized – these things represent dreams and hopes I had that will never come to pass.  I will never be able to relive those moments, never be able to save those relationships.  I can’t go back. 

I’m not very sentimental, but this really struck me.  I feel it at the pit of my stomach as I type this.  I don’t want to let go of those things.  I want to hold onto those dreams, even if they aren’t my dreams today.  In fact that life has absolutely nothing to do with my life now.  When I was in grad school I didn’t believe in God, at least not in a God who mattered. 

Now my life is bent towards his. 

To be honest I don’t want to go back to that time.  I don’t want those dreams.  I’ve moved on to better things in many cases.  So why is it so hard to let go?  Why does the human spirit latch onto the things that hurt our relationship with God?

We are a fallen people.  No matter what we do, on our own it’s not enough.  Sometimes it takes memories of the past to remind us just how far God carries us.  It’s funny these are the lessons I am learning from God’s strange request to clean my room.  God redeems everything – even a messy closet.

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